So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
