I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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