I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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