Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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