her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You may now shotgun with the bride
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
