i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
