The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
