Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
