I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
