If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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