woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize