I have demons in me.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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