can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize