I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
