you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i will never coherently bang her
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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