I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
