is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
