just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
