I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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