Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize