it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Blood and glitter go together right?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
