tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
