Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
