1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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