Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
