She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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