WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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