Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Dick very happy bro
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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