I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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