U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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