She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I think my vagina is haunted
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
