She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
