I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
