Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
