he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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