there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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