Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
