Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
