i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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