the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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