I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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