This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
