a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
