I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
