After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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