I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
