sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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