Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
