So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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