I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
