Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I am naked and annoyed.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
