Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
